Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
