He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
