...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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