when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
