I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
