im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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