Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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