apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
