I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
