Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
