My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
