im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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