I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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