Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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