I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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