It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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