I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
