Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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