just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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