Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
