u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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