i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
