If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
