i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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