my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
