so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
