I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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