He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
