I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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