he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
