I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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