Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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