Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My legs feel like baby dolphins
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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