Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
