Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
