Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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