Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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