Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
