I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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