i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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