How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
