we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
