can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
