The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
