Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
