upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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