Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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