I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
