So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
