i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
