my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
